FIRST 10KGS GONE!
I am so proud of myself!
I am so proud of myself!
I feel sorry for people who’ve had skinny privilege and then have it taken away from them. I have had a lifetime to adjust to seeing how people treat women who aren’t their idea of beautiful and therefore aren’t their idea of useful, and I had to find ways to become useful to myself.
For the first time in about three years I weighed myself. I’ve been telling myself that I weighed a certain amount and to be honest I genuinely believed I weighed less. But I weigh 16kgs more. I am absolutely devastated. I have spent all day in bed and cried a million times. I don’t know how to pick myself up from this.
Friday 11th January, 2013.
For 23 years I have struggled with my weight. I have tried Weight Watchers, Lite n Easy, Celebrity Slim and Opti Fast and while each of these ‘methods’ helped me shed small amounts of weight, because I wasn’t seeing big immediate results, I gave up and put on what I had lost, and more, back on.
For the past six months, I have hated myself and my body harder than I have throughout my entire life. I have been antisocial, reclusive, paranoid, depressed, ashamed, sickened - the list goes on. I will not look in a mirror, because I already know I wouldn’t like the person who looks back at me and those rare times I do look in the mirror, I realise I had lost sight of who I am… I’ve forgotten me.
It started hitting home when I noticed more than ever on the rare occasions I went shopping or anywhere in society, the looks I was receiving and the whispers I could hear, from children, teenagers and adults, they all seem to think they have the right to comment on my body… On MY FAT.
I have let fat and my weight over take my life and I have gotten to the point where I have had enough. I turn 24 next month and I am not living the life a 24 year old should be living.
Yesterday, I met with Brooke. Brooke is a Personal Trainer who has helped people of my size and bigger shed enormous amounts of weight and successfully keep it off. My step Mum did this same journey as I am embarking on and has never been happier or healthier. She is an inspiration to me. I signed with Brooke and I will be meeting with her every Wednesday for the next year.
I am nervous, scared, worried but happy and excited. All I can think of is that long term goal. My long term goal is not a number nor a size. My long term goal is to not be ashamed. To be able to look in the mirror and smile. My long term goal, is to love me and my body.